Expander aka hell device

In this entry I will tell y'all about the SARME procedure.

SARME (Surgically assisted rapid maxillary expansion) does exactly what it says it does. It is a procedure where the surgeon will go in under your upper lip, and open up straight down your palate.
It's better if I just show you a video, curtesy of Youtube:

If this illustration video seems brutal, try going to Google Images on "SARME Surgery"
(Pro-tip: Don't)

After the surgery I will have to expand the device myself, with something that looks like a small lockpick. I will turn it once or twice a day, I think, over a longer period of time. I've seen people turning mostly for a month, so it's still pretty rapid compared to other methods out there. 

After some turns I will notice a tooth gap, which will only grow bigger day by day, can't say I'm looking forward to that.
I'm gonna look like Milk in no time!

On September 13 2017 I had my expander installed. It's this fucker right here:

This bad boy has been adjusted to fit my crowded pottymouth, and was, very forcefully, shoved into place. I'm both looking forward to, and dreading the day the expander is coming off, I've heard it's
quite painful.. 

Here it is installed. Not even a minute after putting it in, the orthodontist told me "you're ready for surgery in two weeks!" and asked a nurse to call the hospital and get the date for the surgery. You know what they said? "That will be in 7 months or so".
You have to be fucking kidding me. 7 fucking uncessessary months with this hell device. They couldn't have called and asked before shoving this 16th century torture contraption in my mouth? Oh well, I was mad maybe a week, then it passed bit by bit as I grew more and more used to it.

"Well, what's it like wearing it?"
Thank you for your question Barbara, I'll tell you what it's like, at least the first month:
A drooly, messy and painful hell.
I couldn't eat, drink, swallow or talk. I dropped 2 kg in two days just because I was miserable, and had to re-learn how to eat and swallow. When I bite down and close my mouth, it feels like the middle of the expander is resting on my tongue, so there's not much room for anything, really. I keep getting food stuck between the expander and my palate, so I always have a bottle of water nearby in case I need to rinse. You should always have a bottle of water with you though. Stay hydrated, kids!

In November 2017, I got a call from Haukeland Sykehus (the hospital in Bergen), and they could squeeze me in earlier! The big date now is January 16th, 2018, travelling down to Bergen the 15th for preparations. Going to Bergen only three days after coming home from vacation, there's certainly no room for panic attacks.

Now, 11 days from my surgery date, I've decided to blog about all of this, in order to calm my nerves, and get most of my worries down on digital paper.
I've grown quite used to the expander by now, but I still get very tired if I speak continuously for a long period of time. Also still get food stuck in the room between the expander and palate, I guess there's no way around that!

Next: Braces!